High-maintenance drama queens and the businesses they spawn

So I got a spam email yesterday that had me howling.  Here it is, with the names edited out (as I do not know the legality of quoting spam and ripping it to shreds).

XXXXXX, Founder of XXXXXXX, invented the XXXXXXX to help moms feel more prepared and less stressed when that special time comes to have a baby. XXXXX felt overwhelmed and confused on what to pack in her hospital bag during her first pregnancy in August of 2007. There were long lists out there, but all of them had different things on them. Some people brought birthing balls, boom boxes, aromatherapy massage oils, as well as the clothes for themselves and their baby. Not only asking herself what to pack, she asked when to pack? And should she live out of a suitcase for a week or month until her due date?

“To answer these questions and as an easy solution, after her daughter was born, she came up with the idea of the XXXXXXX, an all-in-one bag, pre-packed with the “essentials” she wanted and needed.

Now, seriously.

Overwhelmed and confused?  Overwhelmed!?!?  It’s a one or two night hospital stay.  They GIVE you clothes (of sorts) to wear while you are there.  My five-year-old can pack a bag for two nights away!  You need clothes to leave the hospital in, some books or handheld games or crafts to fill the idle hours, a blanket for the baby (a bath towel will do fine),  a couple of onesies, a few newborn diapers, and several of the biggest maxi-pads you can buy.  Done.  I can understand having to consider a couple of other things you might want, debating something for a few minutes, or changing your mind…  but if you truly feel OVERWHELMED by this task, I don’t see how you manage to function in the world.

Long lists out there – yes, I’m sure there are.  When I was pregnant, the lists of things that people told me I needed to buy or do before the baby came out of me were extensive and unrealistic.  You don’t NEED a special nursery room painted with adorable animals.  You don’t NEED a U-shaped pillow thingy to rest your baby on while it nurses.  You don’t NEED a diaper pail – any trash can with a lid will do.  You don’t NEED a stroller (unless you have twins or triplets) – babies are very portable and not very heavy.  You don’t even NEED a crib – someone gave me one, and I ended up giving it away because the $30 foldable port-a-crib worked better for me.  If you want all that stuff, go ahead and get it – but please don’t tell everyone that they are necessary.

If you think your “birth experience” (a term I find ridiculous for reasons I may get into another time) is going to be ruined because you don’t have the right aromatherapy oil, I’ve got news for you – your birthing experience is probably going to smell like feces, urine, and blood.  It’s BIRTH, for gods’ sake!

Live out a suitcase for a week or a month – what the hell is she talking about?  I know she mentioned long lists, but did any of them suggest she put all of her worldly belongings into the bag to take to the hospital?  We’ve all moved to a new home, and experienced a period of time where we had only our minimal necessities out where we could get to them and everything else was packed up in boxes…  this is exactly the opposite situation – you just have to put a few necessities in a bag.

What I see is an incompetent, high-maintenance drama queen trying to convince other women that they are also incompetent and that she can save them.  I wouldn’t trust this woman to save me from a paper bag.

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